for two, twice. 21 lines.

I know too well                                 You don't care enough
this isn't too good                               you just feel bad
for me, for you.                                  for you, for you.
I know                                              You know it
I can tell                                             you do
we're too close                                  and you just keep
to catastrophe.                                   inward spiraling.

He hears too much                             Life is not nice,
too often, I think                                people are deceitful.
for me, for him.                                  Life is getting better.
It's okay,                                           You are the rock.
he says                                              Stay strong for two
It's just a test.                                    you need to
We are in love.                                  hold on (me & you)


***

a crazy voyage it has been
and stopping to look around
has brought it all to a
halted perspective
where at this pace
I just may
breathe again.

pb&j's

Today makes something like a year and slight change since I reconnected to who may hysterically be my soul mate and best friend for years to come. His being is far from perfect but so dear to me. We have an admiration for one another and what one lacks the other surpasses in what should be attained. His virtues and discipline reflect what I only can become. I speak for the both of us when I say we are lulled in love. Speak for two I do because my love is very thoughtful and expresses himself in silence (whereas needless to say I am unbounded in my expressions). But it is a surprising love, the one where you don't expect to fall in love because you we not looking nor interested in filling your head and heart with such sensitive emotions.

Today I know how whimsical love really is. I know how sweet it taste, like a vanilla ice cream topped with plentiful candies and where the chocolate syrup drizzles down to my chin. I know how to share laughter and how to speak in order to effectively get your message across. I know how to pick apart a brain who picks at mine as well to the point of silence with no verbal retaliation. We know how to feed off of the others gift and use ourselves in a lovely dedication.


Making it work involves the cooperation of two or more things, let that be a relationship within yourself or with someone else, like paper and glue and having it stick. Simple. One should be clean and neat, flat and porous while the other would be messy, sticky and just all over the place getting into every crevasse.

But are all relationships based on paper, where we can trace and cut along? No. I fear not. We are all humans and have experienced things differently and walked down strange paths on our own. There are places we fear to revisit for some and others who constantly live in their own muddy footprints unwilling to create new ones, afraid for what is to come.

Some live it and never look back, some live it and can never move on.

We must compromise and accept that nothing is perfect and our relationships are not different. They take time, effort and patience. Find it from within you.

long/short

I was challenged to wish-storm. Here it is:

- become a yoga instructor
- obtain my scuba diver certification
- own a boat
- be in complete shape like the ancient Greeks
- marry my soul mate
- have beautiful babies
- live in a foreign country
- become a part-time English professor at said country
- go on more road trips
- travel and discover the different ecosystems nature has to offer
- continue to write stories and poetry
- motivate others to better themselves and the world
- have a complete balance of wellness
- own a small cafe that offers breakfast at all times
- master Portuguese
- sail the French coast
- become a wine connoisseur
- take up fencing

These are things that need to maintain themselves ever present in my head. This is my ambitious future. Every day of my life, every minute, is adding up to the greatness that awaits within time. It's beautiful.

Wishes do come true. Whoever told you the contrary was a coward who never dared to wish.

what?

There are so many things that are thought of throughout the day. Which ones do we focus on? What to we spend our time thinking of? Maybe if we are too busy doing things we won't stop and think. Do we ever think? Or do thoughts just appear just because our subconscious can't properly filter what's significant?

I'm confused. I was so sure I had it under control but does one ever? It's easier to lose control of the wheel than to actually steer through choppy waters. Tough shit. And what's tough anyway? Nothing but a challenge. I recently discovered how hard I am on myself. I said out loud, "Life is not that serious". I'm not sure I believed myself but hey, fake it til it's real.

Turns out, I'm a perfectionist. A lousy one at that. Turns out that I'm obsessed with the little details that everyone chooses to look over. Work is work and it needs to be done as efficiently as possible... not perfectly effective. I laugh at myself because nothing will ever be perfect and perfection is nothing more than time consuming. How terrible. How much time I have wasted. Since I can't even focus half of the time, I'm expecting myself to finish something to the PERFECTION. How is this possible when I lose almost immediate interest with any said task. Ridiculous.

Again: LIFE IS NOT THAT SERIOUS.

Maybe I feel that I've lived too much and played too much and now that I want to get down to business I find myself being counterproductive. It's the way I leave things unfinished... Perhaps I zoom into things so much and so quickly that I then proceed to get bored once I'm done looking at it (not doing it, just observing). I am such an odd being.

Odd, like pairs of three and misunderstood like a five year old having a tantrum. I'm ignoring something inside of me. I'm too in touch with my surroundings and fail to listen to my mind-body connection.

ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME.
Tunnel vision: at the end, what do you see? Me.

And this is nothing more but another zoomed in focus of subconscious insignificance.

the waiting room

It must be that people have a thousand things to do and places to go, otherwise, they wouldn't be so impatient, right? But you're waiting for an adviser. Yes, you are continuing your college education! Haven't you realized that we've always been waiting for something? Everything has a waiting time.

Get in line:
- grocery store
- traffic lights/stop signs
- restaurants
- doctor appointments

You see where I'm headed... We all wait, all day, every day. It's a part of our lives. We have always waited. Have we not grown up and come to terms with this CONSTANT? Are we going to keep going against it or will we finally accept it? People consume themselves with questions and purposes. Shut your mind and live, today, present day, right now. Don't wait. Ride it out. You decide what to do while waiting. Time never stops, as eternal as the wait may feel. The seconds will keep passing but how productively will you be waiting?

bare

There's an unspoken connection between you and me.
Synchronization!
It must be.
It's a language--I promise,
only we could speak.

There's a look that you give,
you and eye.
Hypnotized...
From the tip of my eyelash
to the back of your mind.

Simple and beautiful,
so peaceful this is.
Breathe in and out deeply.
Kiss, kiss.

reflections on an accurate dream

I was sure it was real. I was just as petrified had it been real. The mind is so powerful that while you're dreaming your reactions are those exact of the waking world. Our subconsciousness is greater than our consciousness. This is extremely creepy, especially when our dreams are saturated with symbolism.

In the process of sleeping and laying in bed, my mind jogged along with several thoughts, as usual. I felt a breath behind my neck but it was heavier than human. Relax, my mind said, tigers sense fear and will attack as soon as they smell it. I relaxed and in the wake world, I felt my body sink deeper into the mattress. A race began in my brain that was telling me that I couldn't afford to freak out in this situation because the tiger would know and attack. The tiger sniffed me out even closer. This took me to the edge and before I knew it, I was standing up in the corner of my bed, tiger now pouncing out and began to chase me. 

I don't recall for how long or where it chased me because the images changed and I was no longer in my room but I wound up in a forest and the tiger did attack me, biting my back and neck. I did not feel hurt but very afraid. I didn't bleed, either. 

After doing some research, I am overwhelmed by the accuracy of the definitions given that when blended together, reflect to the perfection of what I have experienced as of late.

Sleeping signifies the ignorance of circumstance and avoidance of issues... with the tiger. The powerful tiger, attacking, is symbol of repressed emotions due to unwilling confrontations. It is clear to me what it is that I've been hiding from and why I had not told my tiger. With all reason, the tiger bit me, in representation of the unspoken emotions and problems. I read that it may be metaphorical to biting off more than you can chew. It is clear to me, really, that I have pushed someone to their limit.

Ending up in the forest indicates me searching for a better understanding of myself.

I need to become aware of my thoughts.

I need to think before I speak.

I need to control my emotions.

And when necessary, I need to step out of me and view myself (witnessing stance).

I am so blessed yet I'm stupid and reckless. I will not lose this battle because my mind is capricious and my heart is a clinger. I WILL TAKE CONTROL.